Written by John Langlois
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Topics: Farting

Wednesday, 6 May 2009

image for EPA to Require Fart Monitors on Every American
I think this guy just instigated a red alert.

It began as just a bad idea. Someone at the EPA heard that the government wanted to lower the amounts of methane and other green-house gases to help stop global warming, which according to President Bush doesn't even exist. And so, they decided that putting a "tax on cows" would discourage farmers from having so many of them, thus eliminating one flatulent source.

Farmers make very little profit in an individual cow, so any additional expense severely impacts whether a farmer can stay in business.

"It's not really our concern that people won't be able to get meat or milk when the farmers go out of business," a spokesman noted. "Our job is to clean up the environment in ways that won't upset Exxon or ADM." They said they didn't mind if we did this.

Once the FDA heard that the EPA was monitoring national flatulence, they responded quickly to the invasion of their turf. "Tell the EPA to back off. We are the ones who keep up with what goes in and comes out of every American. If anybody has their head up the butts of Americans, it's the FDA."

Then because the FDA is in bed with just about every food and drug company in the world, they issued plans for a 10 year study, monitored by the companies manufacturing Ex-Lax and Beano, to see if a prescription could be found to make people fart less.

Not to be outdone by the food and drug conglomerates, the companies promoting the National Animal Identification System (NAIS) announced that they will soon market a combination "flatulence assessment" device and GPS locator. The new product, known as the "Flat-Ass Finder", works by recording the volume of methane emitted by those wearing the device and contacting the government via a wireless network.

"We will soon know where the real sources of gasses live," said and EPA spokesman.

Several civil rights groups noted that "This is just another government attempt to harass the poor. Everyone knows they eat more beans than anyone else, and you know what that means."

In a surprise press conference, the world famous "Eat More Chikin" cows that promote "Chick-Fil-a's product said, "We will dump all over the first government flunky that tries to attach a monitor to our behinds. Enough is enough."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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