Blueberry Hill, Ontario, Canada - Plagued by numerous class action suits, Canada's leading cell phone giant has instructed its lawyers to settle out of court. In a dramatic announcement, spokesperson Briar Patch revealed that an amicable settlement had been reached between all parties.
According to Mr Patch, the company will make no admission of its products causing low-level radiation health risks for its customers. Numerous cell phone users have claimed health problems ranging from brain tumours and memory loss because of holding cell phones close to their heads to male infertility caused by holding cell phones close to their, erm, heads.
Theories of how constant low level electromagnetic fields emitted by wireless devices could adversely affect human health have dodged the telecommunications and computer industries for years. Now however, mounting evidence suggests there may be a connection.
Mr Patch explained that in return for its settlement, the company will be immune to any further such legal action.
Reaching into his trouser front pocket to retrieve his vibrating cell-phone, Mr Patch said, "We knew the complainants were shooting with blanks and couldn't win in court, but the time was right to settle and put this row behind us."
Taking another ringing unit from his vest pocket, Mr Patch held it to his other ear, carefully avoiding the sensitive bumps on his right lateral lobe. "Now where were we? My memory isn't what it used to be. Oh yes, the suit. It's Italian silk."
Head solicitor for the class action group, Mr Won Hung Lo acknowledged the amicable settlement. "Bollocks!" exclaimed Mr Hung Lo. "We knew they have deep pockets and we had the balls to reach the bottom."
"To tell the truth," said solicitor Hung Lo with his fingers crossed behind his back, "we weren't all that concerned about the sperm count claim. Our older male cell phone clients already had all the kids they wanted. And our younger male clients found 'pay as you go' plans to be cheaper than buying condoms."
"The main problem was the brain tumour and memory loss issue," explained Mr Won Hung Lo. "That's where we had them by the balls - and they felt it."
One of the complainants who settled was Mr Anal Unretentive. "After I bought my first one, I started losing my memory. I couldn't retain any new information. So I bought another model with more memory. It was a vicious circle. I can't even remember how many I bought. Maybe it wasn't one of their handsets, maybe-"
Solicitor Won Hung Lo cut in and explained, "Mr Unretentive and thousands more victims like him will now be helped because of this settlement. Sure our law firm will be getting cash, but no amount of money can help these pitiful brain-injured clients."
"Instead of cash, they were persuaded to accept the latest research findings about blueberries. Rich in antioxidant flavonoids, blueberries have been shown to restore memory in lab mice. So we got them to settle with blueberries."
Mr Unretentive flashed a blueberry-stained smile as he reached into his pocket for another handful of fresh blueberries.
"Now that I've replaced my phone with blueberries, I feel my memory shrinking and my tumour returning," affirmed Mr Unretentive. "I can't thank Mr Won Hung Lo enough for turning down a cash offer and getting a life supply of blueberries."
The Canadian blueberry industry is reportedly thrilled with news of the settlement. Blueberry industry spokesperson, Summer Cobbler said that orders were pouring in to settle the suit as well as from many people wanting to eat more healthily.
"It's just been bananas around here," slipped Ms Cobbler. "We've had to order thousands of new Blackberries for our sales agents just to keep up with the demand as all our phone lines here at blueberry industry have been jammed."
Briar Patch has also announced the latest model, the Blueberry, packed with a 1,000 GB memory card.
"Of course it will emit more powerful electromagnetic fields of radiation, but we're not worried," stated a confident Mr Patch. "Our research labs have determined that rhubarb can reverse all the negative effects, so we're all set for the next round of lawsuits."