Written by Phil Edgar's Bones
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Wednesday, 26 November 2008

image for Monsieur Gaudet from Valerie Martin's book 'Property' resurrected from the dead
Monsieur Gaudet 240 yrs old, likes his women busty and his blacks slaves!

The nineteenth century slave owner and sexual sadist, Monsieur Gaudet, has been brought back to life using modern technology. This is his story!

'Kinky slave master brought back from dead. He is not a 'zombie' say scientists. This is a bonafide experiment, not mumbo-jumbo nonsense'.

Monsieur Gaudet now 240 years old, died like a 'true' coward, in a 1928 slave revolt. The oxygen-thief and conscience dodger, has been re-animated using a car battery, a bottle of vinegar and a set of jump leads. The bigoted pervert, woke up suprisingly very angry and southern.

'Former slave-owner asks for drink, scientists believe he is thirsty !

Scientists stated 'The first thing he asked for was a tall cool glass of mint julep and whole mess of 'pork hock.' The second thing he asked for was a rope to hang the renegade slaves that murdered him and the third thing he asked for was a glass of bourbon and a copy of the National Enquiry as he wanted to know, all the lastest celebrity gossip and goings-on'.

'Monsieur Gaudet seemed to be simultaneously scared and aroused say scientists at the Walter Bastard State University, Louisiana'

Scientists, had to explain to the bigot from the past, that the slaves were probably dead. However Monsieur Gaudet, refused to listen to reason and jumped on the back of an African-American scientist shouting and screaming " I know your face boy, who owns you Joel Borden ?......Don't look me in the eye boy, unless you want a whuppin'".

'Monsieur Gaudet will be shocked when he realises slavery has been abolished say scientists'

Monsieur Gaudet had to be gagged, dragged and sedated by ten burly scientists. The mentally unstable former plantation owner, was then confined to a room, kitted out in the style of a Louisiana plantation.

'We shan't be telling him who the president is, say scientists'

Professor Sarah Delphine-Peake said "In hindsight it was a bad idea to resurrect Monsieur Gaudet, as the world has changed dramatically, in the 200 years that he has been dead. His behaviour is wholly inappropriate for today's standards, as he is constanly grabbing at women and drooling over their busts, shouting I like my ladies 'busty'. He calls all black people negroes, nigras, girls or boys. We don't know what will become of him! He is so 'out of touch' and most importantly, I fear he is a complete feckin' shit !".

'Where is Monsieur Gaudet now?'

Since this interview we are happy to report Monsieur Gaudet has been offered a job with the BBC, as deputy chairman. In line with BBC policy he has awarded himself an annual salary of £200 million.

'Monsieur Gaudet finds a new home in the UK

"I do declare, it's just like I have not been dead for the last two hundred years. God simply loves me and all the BBC directors, as we are made in his own image. I am simply doing the Lord's work, am I not? Now why don't you just run along child, and get this here old man, a mint julep. I do declare it's mighteeee hot, in this here vestibule" the meglomaniac sadist gloated, as he strutted around his plush BBC office, wearing ornate nineteeth century breeches and an ostentatious high-necked calico stiff-shirt.

Mr Gaudet, was asked if he missed his wife Manon Gaudet, who he left behind, when he died and went to Hell, in 1828. The malcontent replied "Who ?....Never heard of her, was she a slave or my favourite hunting hound?....hmmmm....leave me be!.... I wonder what's going on in Eastenders and Corrie ?.....will you cook my dinner now ?"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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