Scientists at NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory confirmed today that water has been found on Mars. Using highly sophisticated telescopes and other instruments in earth orbit, they determined that the Martian surface contains at least three molecules of H2O, and possibly several more.
"This shows there may have been life on Mars at some point in the past, or that it might appear there in the future ... or maybe neither," said JPL's chief researcher, R. U. Anniddyut. He also said the researchers discovered massive quantities of K-Y Jelly on the red planet, which is a further indication of procreative efforts.
The discoveries are expected to increase pressure on the incoming Obama administration to fund further expensive science projects. "If we find actual life on Mars," said Anniddyut, "they might be dumb enough to chip in on further bailouts of our banks. We're running out of people that stupid on earth, so we've got to look elsewhere."