LONDON, England - UPDATE 2 - Scientists yesterday published a new study proving that aspartame is safe for rats. This study, which took 15 years of work by a team of 115 scientists in 20 countrys proves once and for all that aspartame is perfectly safe for rats.
However it was just learned that 67 of the scientists who handled the aspartame have died a horrible death. And, they do not need to be embalmed because they engaged in an aspartame eating contest the night prior to the experiment.
Dr. Rodentsmarts related, "We placed hundereds of piles of aspartame around the world and monitored these piles with a team of scientists around the clock.
"Not once did a rat eat any of the aspartame".
I asked Dr. Rodentsmarts, "Yes, but how does that prove that aspartame is safe for rats?"
"Simple. Aspartame is as safe as the Earth is safe for rats. They have no interest it in. They don't touch it. They don't get it in their eyes [eye wash stations required to handle the product], they don't get it on their skin [showers required to handle the product], and they don't breathe in the dust [full respirators, boots, and chemical goggles required to handle the product].
"So it is safe for them. You can leave aspartame out, and it won't hurt rats."
"But Dr. Rodentsmarts, what if people eat aspartame?"
"Who cares! People are stupid, and there are far too many of them. And besides, they pay for the stuff! It's rats that we scientists care about. That is why we always make sure everything is safe for rats! People who handle aspartame have to be very carefull and wear protective suits. But who cares about them. What does that have to do with rats?"
At this point I informed Dr. Rodentsmarts that the interview was over. I dumped my bottle of aspartame laced "health drink" on a pile of fire ants on my way home. Boy, I do hope aspartame is safe for ants.. NOT!