Scientists in Basil, Switzerland announced today that goat glands used as an aphrodisiac are effective when used properly. According to the scientists previous studies were flawed because researchers injected goat gland matter into men without proper testing to determine the likelihood of proper gonadal matches.
"Scientists in the past understood little about reproductive science, and the results proved it," said Dr. Herkimer Palishalz, head of the Basil Reproductive Research Laboratory. "If results were not immediate, or frankly, astounding, the studies were viewed as failures. It was soon obvious to them that the goat glands were a total dead end."
From the 1930s to the mid 1990s virtually no one did goat gland research. "It was unstudied," continued Dr. Palishalz, shaking his head. "Monkey glands were the thing. People had this crazy idea that monkeys were especially potent. You would not believe some of the monkey gland horror stories. Let us just say, people died screeching."
New goat gland research is heading away from simple injections. Injections, say scientists, are just not enough. Dr. Paulus Florintino worked with Dr. Palishalz on the project, "Injections of any animal gland will do little more than make you hairy, or perhaps slightly ill. But in order for say, a monkey gland injection to work on the sexual organs you must have a monkey sexual organ."
The new procedures Dr. Palishalz and Florintino are pioneering include a sexual organ transplant as well as glandular treatments. "It is very simple," continues Dr. Florintino. "The penis and the gonads work together, not separately. You must have both for either to work."
After seeing the results patients are apparently lining up for the treatments. "Continual sex is available with the goat gland," said laboratory spokesperson, Jacques Rangoon. "Forget Viagra and Cialis; forget all of them. The treatments will turn you into an animal!"
Literally and figuratively, it seems. If the goat gland operation proves effective, the 21st Century may prove an excellent time to be an older man, but a very bad time to be a goat.