TRENTON, N.J. FDA spokesman Dr. Stangedeath announced today that aspartame is perfectly safe for the terminally ill.
"There is no danger that it may cause the terminally ill to die any sooner. Thus, there is no danger of any economy stimulating revenue loss for doctors, hospitals, insurance companies, and drug companies.
"And there is a silver lining to bulk aspartame use by the terminally ill. By killing the nerves in the body, pain is much reduced. And, aspartame helps increase the appetite of the terminally ill, especially for carbohydrates. This is also stimulating to the economy.
"Also, it makes it much easier for the final arrangements, as due to all formaldehyde residue from the metabolism of the ten percent pure methanol in aspartame, the body is already embalmed, saving the Loved One's family some expense.. not to mention all the money saved on sugar.. and dentists. Yes, thanks for aspartame scientists."
This announcement is in harmony with the latest dependent studies confirming once again that aspartame is perfectly safe for everyone, especially the terminally ill.