Written by David David
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Wednesday, 29 October 2008

image for Want More Sex? Wear Red
Hoping to get lucky, this woman dashed home from the party and changed into a red dress

Rochester, NY - Researchers at the University of Rochester have found that wearing red increases sex appeal.

It was a red letter day for psychologist Dr Rosie Redfern when she received word that her recent research would be published in the prestigious online Journal of Sex Appeal and Russian Playgirls.

Dr Redfern, celebrating with a bottle of rosé wine, blushed when congratulated by students and colleagues.

"Psychologists have long theorized that the color red has a psychological effect on people, and now we've got the proof," explained Dr Redfern, flush with her recent triumph.

In Dr Redfern's study, researchers asked red-blooded heterosexual American men to rate photos of women wearing either red or blue clothing for sex appeal. The findings indicated wearing red boosted the women's sex appeal almost 2 points on a 7 point scale.

"Men want sex, and the color red seems to give them the green light," explained Dr Redfern, fiddling with the laces on her knee-high patent leather red kinky boots.

Psycho-biologist, Dr Harry Redbottom, commented in the Journal of Sex Appeal and Russian Playgirls that there may be an evolutionary explanation linking the color red and sex in the minds of male primates.

"I've studied this in some detail myself," chimped in Dr Redbottom while sipping a Red Bull, "and the rumps of some female primates turn a bright red during ovulation, so it's possible that men's pea-sized brains recognize red as a mating symbol."

"This could be a whole new market for the lipstick and makeup industry," speculated Dr Redbottom, eager to pursue new corporate funding for his primate research.

Females also find the color red attractive in males, but associate it with traditional masculine traits of power and achievement rather than sex appeal.

Dr Rosemary Rouge, a sociologist who has published extensively, shared her findings, along with a box of chocolate-covered cherries.

"There are many examples of red being used to symbolize male dominance and power," explained Dr Rouge, the gooey part of her chocolate-covered cherry dripping down her chin.

"Take the Vatican, for example. Cardinals all wear crimson. The Vatican is so powerful they even got the World Ornithological Society to name those red birds 'cardinals' just to reinforce their power."

Then there is the testosterone-fuelled world of commercial sports.

According to Dr Rouge, research suggests that teams wearing red uniforms tend to out-perform blue-clad teams of otherwise equal caliber.

"Don't share this," said Dr Rouge in hushed tones of salmon, "but I've made a small fortune betting on the Cincinnati Reds and Detroit Red Wings. I hedge my bets though, and always bet on Man United Red Devils to lose."

In the masculine world of American competitive politics, mean-spirited gung-ho Republicans have long claimed 'red' states as their territory, leaving 'blue' states to lily-livered socialist Democrats.

"It's fairly obvious," explained political analyst Russet Redman. "Have you ever seen a red-blooded, all-American, masculine male in blue states like Massachusetts or California? Hell no! They're more interested in quiche, gay marriage, and Obama there."

"Heaven help us for the next four years. Obama will probably set up shop in the Blue Room at the White House instead of the Oval Office. Michelle has already given instructions to dig up the Rose Garden and replant it with violets and bluebells."

"Hey, nice talking with you, but I've got to go. Sarah Palin just called me on my Bluetooth," said a red-faced Redman as he fastened his clip-on red tie and headed out the door.

Back in Rochester, NY, research psychologist Dr Rosie Redfern, continues to bask in her new-found glory.

"Science is always advancing, so I know it may not last," cautioned Dr Redfern, applying more Crimson Kiss red lip gloss.

"But the baboon studies of my colleague Dr Redbottom that you quoted earlier are most promising, so we are taking photos now to see if we can replicate the findings in humans."

"And the pharmaceutical industry has approached us to conduct a study comparing red and blue coated Viagra. Things are definitely looking up at the moment."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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