Written by Phil Edgar's Bones
Rating:

Share/Bookmark
Print this

Monday, 27 October 2008

image for 'William Shatner and Ringo Starr both have mad-old-man disease say Docs'
The 'harmless' microphone is the most dangerous object to sufferers of 'Oldgitis'

Doctors have asked the general public for calm and patience, when reacting to the recent spate of old entertainers talking shit on the internet. They can't help it. IT'S A REAL DISEASE.

Ringo Starr has recently decided he HATED people who write to him (FANS) and William Shatner has recently stated "Everyone! who! dislikes! me! is! Psychotic!".

Four leading Doctors have stated this is called 'oldgitis' or mad old gits disease. This is a disease that commonly affects men over 65 years, who have had enjoyed 'years of absolute power', 'too much money', 'lively personalities' and 'restricted talent'.

Dr Pepper said " Years of arse-licking by anybody and everybody, acts on their hypothalmus in the brain, rendering the sufferer devoid of reality and leaves them chronically delusional.

Dr Dre added "Yeah the sufferers truly believe that people and beyatches, like them because they are great, not realising we only like them for their mother-fuck8$g money and monkey-shines".

Dr Dolittle spoke of his anguish " I am saddened to see so many mediocre entertainers beginning to deteriorate in front of my eyes. I personally think we should put them out of their misery after a certain age or psychological state. Like they do with the horses that I can talk to".

Dr Shipman volunteered to humanely kill any entertainer who he believed would 'go of on one next', but the other doctors came up with a simple and legal solution.

Advice for the people who care for 'oldgitis' sufferers and whoever looks after Kerry Katonia

1) Do not give them access to a video camera or recording device of any kind. This will initiate uncontrollable ranting, dribbling, shouting, slurring speech, crying and, erratic involuntary eye and hand movements.

2) Remove all internet access completely. They are likely to post any 'secret'ramblings and rantings on the net.

3) Do not allow them to do 'live' TV. Pre-record and severely edit everything !

4) Do not allow them to be interviewed by pious, smug, bastard talentless, piss-takers such as Louis Theroux, Jonathan Ross, the dirty 'disease-ridden' Russell Brand, Fern and Phil, Richard and Judy and that wanker off 'Never Mind The Buzzcocks'.

5) Deny all phone access!

6) Invest in a straight jacket or two!

7) Invest in a good coloring book to keep them entertained.

8) Invest in various outfits and pretend you are from various magazines, tv channels and newspapers. Allow them to speak to you for hours feigning interest. Then change into another disguise. They get to speak all day and NOBODY GETS EMBARRASSED or suicidal afterwards. Everyone is happy!

'THE FACTS ABOUT OLDGITIS BY PROXY'

The Doctors state 'ironically' talentless younger women can also suffer from the same condition. However it is commonly defined in young-ish trulls and slutards, as 'oldgitis by proxy' Hence the likes of Jade Goody, Kerry Katonia, Paris Hilton and the rest of them should be treated with the same intervention strategies, as these barmy old loons.


In no circumstances should these people be exposed to reality TV programmes, Sascha ' Wanking-Borat' Cohen, Howard Stern or Fatty Phil Jupitus.
It could prove fatal !

Make Phil Edgar's Bones's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!

Print this


Share/Bookmark

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Email:

What's 2 plus 2?

8 23 4 1

Go to top