Written by Judge Retort
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Wednesday, 22 October 2008

image for Anthropologists discover new human sub-race: Decorative-Americans
Decorative-American receiving annual tattoo cleaning and polishing - hand wax is extra

First there were white-Americans. And they discovered native-Americans. These fled west, forcing white-Americans to invite in African-Americans to share-the-wealth.

Anthropologist Professor Alfred Sneikenpeikr from University of California Berkeley explained:
"I'm so excited at my findings! White, red, black, and now at last there areā€¦ Decorative-Americans shining brightly with multi-colored TATTOOS! You already see them everyday! You just have to roll up their sleeves."

He went on to reveal such typical Decorative-American professions as: bar tender; salesman at automobile dealerships; middle-school physical education teachers; and lately, creative voter registrar.

Professor Sneikenpeikr has observed these various tattoo patterns:

Traditional Americana: dragons, girls, anchors, skulls, MOM, barbed wire, initials (girl's, Mom's, Obama's), Harley Davidson wings, and lately Sarah Palin eyeglasses, snow shovel, or snowshoes, (tattoos of Todd's snowmachine and dogsled are popular in San Francisco)

Popular Canadian Tattoos: donuts (rainbow sprinkles are most popular with the ladies), beavers (tall, short, chubby, lean, frisky, docile, submissive, and uncooperative)

UK Tatoos: Union Jack, Islamic Jack (moon and star), Jolly Roger, Jolly Mohammed

Middle-East: pre-detonation bomb, pre-detonation bomb inside turban, mid-detonation bomb, post-detonation bomb, bomb victim pre-cleanup, bomb victim post-cleanup

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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