Written by Bob Muppet
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Topics: Sausages, Big Bang

Thursday, 6 December 2001

image for Einstein's 'Big Bang Theory' Time Constant Found
Long lost recipe for big bangers, by Eric Einstein

The academic world was advanced a thousand years by the publication of a 'long-lost' document by the genius, Einstein, which detailed the ingredients of the 'Big Bang'.

Einstein was well known for never committing formulae to memory, and so he relied otally on his notes to record his work.

Consequently, when his notes went missing, Albert was unable to remember the exact details of his finest work. The great man was so traumatised by this tragic loss, that he took the guilt with him to the grave.

Einstein was resident at the London Astoria hotel when his masterpiece went missing, and it was the great granddaughter of a chambermaid who 'discovered' the missing papers with some cookery books, left to her in a will.

Physicists have long pondered whether time existed before the 'Big Bang'.

Einstein argued that if time was created in the 'Big Bang', then it must have a mass, in the same way that all the elements have a mass.

Although Einstein's manuscript was badly soiled, physicists were able to decipher the genius' thoughts and establish that at the time of creation, 8.5 grams of time were added.

This time then spread across the universe, eventually travelling to eternity.

Quantum Mechanics has long favoured the chaos theory and this radical time constant backed up this school of thought.

As with all great things, however, the excitement was to prove short lived.

A chef, with an interest in physics, was reading a copy of the long lost manuscript when he recognised that it was remarkably familiar!

"Gordon bleedin Bennet!" he exclaimed, "This ain't no theory of the Big Bang by Albert bleedin Einstein, this is the long lost recipe for big bangers, by Eric Einstein, the patron chef of the sausage!"

"For decades now, Master chefs have tried, unsuccessfully, to recreate Eric's big bangers, but it was obvious that 8.5 grams of thyme was the missing ingredient"

As for the Quantum physicists, well, they all disappeared simultaneously, probably to re-emerge in another part of the cosmos.

Well, probably, if time is on their side!

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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