Written by Frank Cotolo
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Topics: Hunting, planet

Monday, 31 May 2004

image for Scientist claims new findings are old hat to him
One of ten solar systems scientist claims to have found.

SCRIMBAD, Miss. -- A recent report indicated that after 15 years of intense study, "the world's most prolific planet-hunting team has found the planetary system that most reminds them of our own home solar system. The discovery boosts hopes for finding solar systems like our own, and life-friendly planets like Earth."

This comes as no surprise to William Frenekle, who claims to have discovered at least 10 planetary systems in 1967. "These new guys say they found a Jupiter-like planet orbiting a star, like our sun," Frenekle told me under condition of anonymity. "Years ago, looking only through the cardboard hub of a paper towel roll, I found a star that had a shape not unlike that of Sean Connery's nose."

He said the National Science Foundation shunned his findings and thinks it had something to do with his book, I Have Seen Other Universes And They Aren't That Impressive.

The star that the new team found planets orbiting around is called 55 Cancri and it is in the constellation Cancer.

Frenekle said, "We all knew about that star a long time ago. But I named it Tumor, using no numerical prefix. I mean, what's that all about?"

"We haven't yet found an exact solar system analog, which would have a circular orbit and a mass closer to that of Jupiter. But this shows we are getting close," said a scientist about the new finding.

Frenekle dismisses this and said, "They are looking for the wrong thing. It's a solar system digital they need to find. And a mass closer to Pittman, Georgia. What's wrong with these guys?"

The team is now looking for Earth-like planets orbiting the new systems.

"They are there," Frenekle said, "but you got to squint to really see them."

Later this year, NASA will launch a Terrestrial Planet Finder, which has 34 high-tech squinting lens, proving that someone is paying attention to Frenekle's theories.

"They take a lot without giving me credit," Frenekle said. Like the formula for light years. That's mine. A light-year is the distance that light can travel in one year, equal to about six-trillion miles or 10 trillion kilometers, they say. But what they don't tell you is Frenekle's Law, which came to that equation based on a number of facts.

"First, light has no shape, so it can travel freely. Next, light needs no device to allow it to see which direction it is going, since, of course, it is light. Also, nothing that travels in a perpendicular motion has the ability to generate heat enough to cook pancakes if that travelling source is a mass no greater than the sum of X12 to the 10th power. Light, which can travel in three directions at once, north being the most difficult, is the X in that equation, meaning that X equals light and half of 12 being six, even in the trillions, equals 10-trillion kilometers, which is much further than anywhere you can travel in Great Britain, where they use kilometers. So, you see, it's all based on Frenekle's Law."

And life? Would there be life on any Earth-like planets in the new solar system? "Gimme a break," said Frenekle, "of course there would be life. And insurance payments, too."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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