Washington, D.C. - After the rank and file of the Republican and Democrat parties sobered up refusing to pass the three and a half page ultimatum, tantamount to emptying 700 billion dollars out of the pockets of Americans and placing U.S. Treasury Secretary, Henry Paulson, above the law, today Paulson took matters into his own hands anyways.
Armed with the full backing of the still solvent U.S. Treasury, Paulson asked physicist at CERN to do their share to help solve the global financial crisis by opening up a wormhole in which he could time travel into the distant future and barrow money from it.
CERN physicists refused, however, citing that their LHC accelerator was intended for scientific research only.
"Our LHC particle accelerator is not some ATM machine, or the American taxpayer, that he [Paulson] can use to withdraw money from to save his cronies on Wall Street," said the CERN project director.
Shortly thereafter, Paulson arrived at the CERN site asserting his authority over the scientific project, commandeering all the facility's equipment and personnel.
Ordering the CERN physicists to turn on the particle accelerator and create a wormhole, Paulson, himself, then leaped into the temporal rift, carrying a brief case full of sub-prime mortgages in one hand and a large empty sack marked with a U.S. dollar sign on it in the other.
Before being totally enveloped by the swirling bright white light of the wormhole, however, Paulson gave one last glance back at the CERN physicists at their operational stations and ordered them to keep the LHC on until he returns with 700 billion dollars.
Unfortunately, due to recent banking failures in Europe, the budget for the CERN project was cutback significantly, and the LHC particle accelerator had to be turned off.
"We tried to tell him [Paulson] this but we were too late," said one of the CERN chief systems engineers. "He leaped into the white light of the wormhole before we could say a word."
Now, according to physicists at CERN, Paulson is stuck somewhere in the space-time continuum, looking for 700 billion dollars, not knowing that he does not have a way to get back.
"Even if he manages to find someone gullible enough to give him all that money for all those sub-prime mortgages, accruing negative amortization, as collateral, the root cause of this economic crisis, remains," said an economist. "Wall Street is not the one we should be bailing out. The American sub-prime homeowner is the one over in his or head and the one we should be helping right now."
"We're just about barrowed and printed all the money we could in this timeline," explained a spokesman for the U.S. Treasury at a CERN press conference. "A wormhole to the future was the only chance Paulson had left to stabilize the financial markets. He knew the risks. That's why he cashed out all his 700 million dollars worth of stock options and purchased T-Bills before he left."
No one at CERN knows precisely where in the future Paulson has time traveled, but it hoped that it is one where the budget for the LHC particle accelerator has not been cut, so that he can be sent back.
"I, for one, empathize with Mr. Paulson's mission," said a CERN physicist, asking not to be identified. "He wishes to implode the U.S. economy with his reckless socialist fiscal policy of Orwell's Oligarchical Collectivism, and I only the Universe with my doomsday machine. How fair is that? I hope he does find a way back, or at least the money. So that way, I can get back to smashing tiny little thingies that no one can see into each other at speeds near that of light and witness firsthand the Universe extinguish itself in the blink of God's eye, like the insignificant particle that I am. I mean we all are."