Written by Frank Cotolo
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Topics: Scientists, Ireland

Sunday, 30 May 2004

image for The exothermics; what the hell do they mean?
The inferno rages in hell, but how hot is it?

DUNDEE, Ireland -- Again, the question arises: Is Hell exothermic? In other words (and there must be others else you will run for a dictionary), does Hell give off heat or absorb heat? This question has befuddled scientists for decades, their hunger for an answer based on the fact that they know they are all headed there. What comes into play here, of course, is Ripley's Law. That is, believe it or not, there must be an answer.

Boyle's Law demands that gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed. This is proven, of course, by watching any large opera singer, especially at the end of the opera when the proverbial fat lady sings. Boyle, however, hated opera and only went once, because it was helmet night. Boyle's research never intended to relate to a place where fire burns so violently and there is no salve available.

But Kyle's Law asks if the mass of Hell is changing in time, and if so, is it Eastern Standard Time or Mountain Time? What is needed to know, Kyle said, is the rate that souls are moving into and out of Hell.

Baxter's Law assumed that once a soul gets to Hell it will not leave, at least not without a permit. Therefore, wrote Baxter just before his appendix burst, no souls are leaving.

Renfield's Law asked how many souls are entering Hell and if the trip to the entrance was less than an hour? Renfield wrote, "Let's look at the different religions that exist in the world. Some of them insist that if you are not a member of their religion you will go to Hell, sometimes in a handbasket. Since there are more than one of these religions and because people do not belong to more than one religion, we can assume that all souls go to Hell. If all souls go to Hell, the number of souls in Hell will outnumber those in a Tokyo subway."

Pickford's Law addressed the notion that we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially, if not as the days go by. It is dependant upon Boyle's Law, which states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

Along comes Fletcher's Law, which concludes that Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate in which souls enter, so the pressure increases and the need for fast-food restaurants becomes futile.

But if Hell expands more quickly than the number of souls, as Dunward's Law explained, it must be deeper than Dante imagined and longer than Canterbury's tales.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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