Doctor Bradley Annis, chief researcher at MIT's Department of Analendolgy, stated today, that a working prototype of a new positive identification device is in operation.
The device, the Annisometure, named after it's primary inventor, Doctor Annis, measures, computes and identifies anyone in it's database. The machine utilizes z rays, a less invasive light spectrum than x rays, to 'see' through a persons clothing and identify the anus as that to which is in it's data base.
Dr. Annis projects a variety of local applications and even envisions this as a worldwide application for secure and positive identification.
"The anus is the most individualistic imprint on our bodies, the basic fissures, dilated width, coloring, diameter, does not change over the course of our life times. Oh sure it gets bigger with human growth, with use, and any extra curricular activities one might indulge, but the elasticity always brings this back to the original state, making it a highly individual form of identification."
Doctor Annis has made this his life work. "Ha…I was always between the cheeks so to speak, I'd like to thank my classmates when I was young for making me so aware of the uniqueness of each one of them."
"Currently I haven't much of a database, without government support. I'd like to get an A-print, (term for the print made by the anus) of every man, woman, and child, first in the US and then worldwide. The Annisometure can scan the backside of an individual and positively identify that individual if they are in the database."
Doctor Annis says this identification is 100% accurate and above all tamper proof.
"Doesn't matter, hemorrhoid, hemorectomy, suppositories, dildos,vibrators, even a turtlehead, the Annisometure can discern the altercation of the anus, and through various algorhythmatic plot points, like a fingerprint, identify one asshole from the next. Secure? Ha, you can't just paste another anus between your cheeks and stroll through security at an airport."
When asked, what's wrong with a picture, a fingerprint, or an iris-read, Annis replied, "That's a technology that has seen it's time, it has it's limitations, it is not foolproof, you can bet your ass on this."
When asked how this would be applied and why the apparent slow government response, Dr . Annis states, "Currently, at birth most hospitals take a footprint of the new born, with the old ink and blotter methodology.With the Annisometure, a quick scan with the Annisprobe and the positive identification is in the database forever. The government has given a positive response, sure they'd like to keep track of some assholes, but the funds in an election year are scarce. Face it…no one wants to tell voters that the government wants a picture of your asshole. "
And what about those of us that are currently without an anal identification, how would we obtain such?
"I say get a real good friend," said Dr. Annis, "ask them to take a picture, 4x5, 8x10, put your name an address on the back, send it to me, I'll get you in the database."
(NOTE: When asked by Dr. Annis to be included in database, this reporter declined)