BALTIMORE, MD- Years of research on the use of prayer to cure cancer have finally paid off, according to a new study released by scientists at John Hopkins University.
"We had been hearing for years the reports around the country of people praying for a cure to cancer, or some other disease, and having their prayers be answered by God," said Doctor Jeremy Harford, leader of the research department. "What puzzled us was why God only answered certain prayers. After studying the Bible, we realized that God only answered prayers that were done the right way; our group of scientists wanted to find out what way that was."
After receiving a $3,000,000 grant from the Government in 1999, the John Hopkins University scientists went to work.
While the actual research is very complicated, Dr. Harford put it in layman's terms. "We infected lab mice with several diseases, and monitored them closely. We put the Bible, Koran, and other Holy Books into a computer program, which read the verses in a completely random order. Gradually, we started to see some improvement in certain mice, and we altered the program some more to monitor them. After years of painstaking 'guess-and-test' research, we finally uncovered a method of prayer which was 99.4% effective."
While the actual results are pending FDA approval, the researchers claimed it was just a formality. "This prayer method works, and that's that. End of story. The official results should be released within the year," said computer technician Susan Bosh.
Still, this didn't stop other researchers to drop some hints on the prayer method. "Well, all I can say is that the right prayer combination was indeed in the Bible, which proves the claim that Christianity is the one true religion. Also, the 23rd Psalm isn't in it... so you might want to stop that one," commented Dr. Tyrone Bentley.
"This research proves what we have always suspected: The cure to the great diseases of the world is found through Christ, not through medicine," said Dr. Harford. "The cure for cancer has already been found; hopefully we will be able to find a different method of prayer that cures AIDS, and after that we can possibly stop earthquakes, tornadoes and hurricanes. God is all-good and all-powerful so He can do these things... we just have to figure out the right way to ask Him."