The Spoof can reveal professional fatty and lay-about Phil Jupitus, is actually the Giant Gas planet 'Jupiter'.
For years the general public wondered where he came from and what the hell he does, but our undercover reporter has discovered the identity of the man who is the really the largest planet in the solar system.
"Phil Jupiter is Friend of the Earth"
Friends of the planet Phil Jupiter revealed " For millions of years Jupiter sat with the rest of the Giant Gas Planets rotating slowly round the Sun, but spinning at enormous speed on his own axis. He simply got bored as Saturn, Uranus and Neptune all have these impressive halo rings, but Phil Jupiter is just a gigantic ball of poisonous gas. They kept deriding him about his plain appearance and lack of halo ring. He eventually snapped and told them all to 'f$ck themselves'. He then took his fast spinning ass to see his only friend in the solar system Mr Planet Earth.
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The friend added " Phil Jupiter was only meant to stay for a day, but he found he could get regular work on TV talking about utter shit, with other 'rancid', giant, gas bags like Vanessa"
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The close friend of Phil Jupiter looking suprisingly like TV relic, Patrick Moore stated "Phil disguises his trademark Jupiter 'red spot' with a beard that looks like it should be on a woman's fanny. It may look unsightly, but without the disguise people would be jumping into his solid-free body and killing themselves".
"Saturn hits back"
Saturn said four hours ago " Phil can go screw himself, he is a big ugly fat gas-bollock. On the other hand I am the best looking planet in the solar system. I'm so hot with my rings and junk.....look at my amazing color compared to his....Jupiter is just jealous, cos I make him look like the shit he is".
"Phil Jupiter thinks Pluto is Cold 'White Trash' Claim"
Uranus said " He's not really one of us..... you see we all have nice ring-pieces..... we told him to go and join Pluto. But he said Pluto lives too far away and it's too cold. We didn't believe him. We think he doesn't like Pluto cos he's white and lives way-out in the ghetto and Jupiter is a snob. So he's the one who is a bigot. While Pluto may not be an official planet, the rest of us still speak to the little chappie".
Neptune was rumoured to be "blue with rage and methane gas" yesterday. Stephen Hawking's "Dalek style robot voice box" added "I wouldn't like to be around when Phil Jupiter goes back to join the outer planets, they intend to kick his big gas head in".