BERNE (FMLiveWire) - Physicist Stephen Hawking now says that he has detected radiation emitted from black holes created by the world's biggest particle accelerator which a doomsday cult of mad scientists have just switched on.
"Run for your life! It is the end of the world!" shrieked Hawking with his speech synthesizer in a telephone interview.
They Large Hadron Collider was built beneath the Swiss Alps under the Franco-Swiss border by scientists with the European science organisation CERN.
Supposedly hoping to recreate the Big Bang, the beginning of the universe, Hawking explained how the scientists are in reality a doomsday cult and intentionally caused disaster.
"Opponents feared the $3.8 billion machine, which smashes pieces of atoms together at high speed, would generate black holes that could swallow the planet, and they were right," Hawking indicated.
"I've just detected the unique radiation signature of black holes already created by the collider and they are now eating up our plant's core as we speak."
Meanwhile, the deluded scientists who sponsored the project still say there is nothing to worry about and they have continued to drink champagne as the collider hits full speed.
"So what if we get sucked into a black hole," said one of the CERN scientists, Dr, Demento, who also revealed he receives anti-psychotic medication.
Professor Hawking had originally supported the project, saying the experiment is vital for humanity, but now he says "Get the hell away from it. Go climb a mountain or something to get as far away from those little black holes as possible."
The startup had been eagerly awaited by the 9000 physicists around the world who announced that they had secretly formed the League of the Last Days and will conduct experiments there. They too had originally said the collider was absolutely safe.
"I was a secret member of the League myself," sobbed Hawking, "and now look what we have done. The Earth is doomed. It is being gobbled up by little Black Holes released from the LHC. Please shut it down now!"
--Copyright Felix Minderbinder Live Wire