Mount Palomar, California (IPP) - Scientist in charge of the Big Foot examination have good and bad news for a public anxiously awaiting to get ahold of any little scrap of information that they can get regarding the resolution of the Big Foot controversy.
Dr. Povemire Finootch is in charge of the sientific examination of Big Foot. Dr. Finootch is an astronomer at the Mount Palomar Astronomy Campus in California. He has a Doctor's degree in three fields and they are listed here at his request in order to assure the public that the people in charge of Big Foot's examination are competent. Dr. Finootch has PHD's in Astronomy, Pathology, and Law. Dr. Finootch is also well known for his legal fight to have the "former" planet Pluto remain a planet rather than having it reduced to minor planet status. An appeal to the International Astronomical Union's decision to demote Pluto is currently underway.
Dr. Finootch announced that the good news about Big Foot is simply that he is the "real deal". Tests of his DNA have confirmed that Big Foot has human DNA mixed in with some bear DNA. This explains his appearance which is often described as either man-like or bear-like by people who have caught glimpses of the Sasquatch in the past.
The bad news is that Big Foot does not have large feet and their feet are merely a diminuitive size seven. Some anthropologists are already speculating that big foot wore shoes which were small on the inside and much larger on the outside. These shoes were probably as long as 18 inches. Dr. Finootch thinks that this is proof of a level of intelligence which is much more advanced than previously thought. Dr. Finootch thinks that by leaving large foot prints behind that the Sasquatch avoided conflicts with potential hunters.
One other bit of bad news about Big Foot involves the use of Viagara by the Sasquatch. There is evidence that like humans living in urban areas that the Sasquatch men are also finding themselves impotent at an earlier and earlier age as the feminization of western society continues to neuter the urban male population, ie; metro-sexual, etc...
Dr. Finootch says that it is amazing that these two separate societies have evolved in an almost perfectly parallel fashion and yet have remained out of contact since the time of first contact between Europeans and native Americans.