Scientists who everyone knows have really thick glasses and really small penises are presently reversing their long held theory that females choose their mates on the size of their lenses.
Harvard Ph.D Ichabod Brainerd told sexpert TheSpoof.com: "Every expert he had studied growing up kept reporting that it was the size of the lenses in your glasses that got the chicks. After striking out for a decade or so, I began to question their theory. Suppose, I thought that the penises were the true sexsual spectacles of attraction. So I took off my magnifying glasses and suddenly saw with difficulty why I'd been overlooked, so to speak, in the romance department.
"A quick trip to the wizard on Madison Ave, a Harvard classmate with more mates than he could shake his formidable stick at and Ichabod had the bod part that made mates ...want to mate. Jettisoning the coke bottle glasses for a pair of contact lenses and I had more contact than my new joint could handle!"