Written by Rodd Justice
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Topics: Virus

Friday, 9 November 2001

image for E-Mail Virus + Man = Shenanigans

A man in Basildon is seriously ill in hospital, after contracting an e-mail virus from the Philippines. It is believed that he contracted the "Contract_Me virus" file, when he thought it looked like a mysteriously exciting file from a stranger. "I honestly thought that I'd made a new friend, who was sending me, I dunno, a questionnaire on my interests". Doctors are shocked at his symptoms, but are unsure whether his gullibility is as a result of the illness, or if he was this stupid beforehand.

Before he was captured and quarantined, he was seen going round to all of his friends and acquaintances houses, and attempting to "spam" himself. The sight of a grown 33-year-old man trying to enter a house through a letterbox is common on most drugged-up council estates, but this was an upper-middle class cul-de-gras.

Residents were shocked and the kids laughed at him. "He had grass stains on his trousers", mocked one with zeal. The foolhardy innocence of the young child is admirable, but little did the boy know that the virus man was planning on stealing him and turning him into a pornography website.

The man was finally caught when he was found scanning his cat for a website dedicated to cat scans. This website is believed to be responsible for triggering a small nuclear conflict in Asia last week, after someone used the pseudonym Yasser Arafat to post a spoof ultimatum to Israel: "Scan me your moggy or I'll kill you Dave. :-P"

Doctors, scientists and philosophers are in consensus about the importance of this case of e-mail virus. Rodd Justice joins their rank and file for this summary of significance.

The world has entered a new era, where the e-mail virus is king. It's a new kind of threat that previous generations have not had to worry their pretty little heads about. Regular mail users just need to stay clear of pyramid schemes and the infamous "tar and feather surprise" letters that reared their ugly heads in many counties in the late 50s.

However, these letters could only drive you to suicidal depression or death, respectively. The e-mail virus on the other hand, has the ability to turn you into a wasted sub-robo-bot, intent on spamming your own grandmothers for easy hits.

Rodd Justice thinks we should all fear the new king of the hood: MC Viral-Mail.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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