Written by Helen Tarnation
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Monday, 14 July 2008

Amsterdim - Pan-Universal News Syndicate - Repeated discoveries of a genetically modified (GM) weed newly found everywhere around the world has elicited cries of alarm. Previously, GM plants have been found growing in highway pavements, but this new weed is so aggressive that it can even send down roots--and thrive--in people's basements.

In an unusual turn of events, the shrillest complaints about the horticultural horror have been issued by law enforcement. Police are more prone to calmly supervise the destruction of farmer's crops, to ensure nobody's legal rights are abused in the process.

Observers expected that Non-Governmental Organizations (NGOs), or groups hired by governments to lobby the government about genetic modification, were equally surprised by the lack of outrage at this slew of discoveries. They expected, instead, to see the groups dump piles of the weed in front of government buildings.

At Greenpace offices in Amsterdim, Henedikt Baerlin explained the situation which has the world on edge. Alternating between coughing spells and trips to the snack vending machines which clog the halls of Greenpace' international headquarters, he said, "This is one very wicked weed. Totally bad. Golden rice in a bong? Total waste of buzz time."

At that point, he became so engrossed in regarding a 1970's hypno-mandala poster that the interview could not proceed.

Vangina Shava, a physicist with a degree in science who heads her own activist group, stepped in to clarify matters.

"Genetic engineering has consistently ignored the indigenous wisdom of native cultures and the importance to them of the uplifting capabilities of herbs grown on native soil," she said. "Finally, the monsters at MonSatan have capitulated to native wisdom and developed an herb with five times the amount of THC, which is a natural bounty of what nature naturally offers naturally, and this way helps being, human being, natural, and all that. Naturally."

"Look at me," she adds. "I live in India, where people starve. But I'm not skinny at all. The herb prevents anorexia, a starvation problem which Americans have everywhere. This herb maintains your diet, and this herb" --she gestures to an overstuffed couch upon which rests easily 400 kilos of GM cannabis-- "will fix everything. Snack, nosh and kibble all day, this herb is the answer to world hunger!"

Chuck Wasbroke, a consultant to NGOs around the world, offered a different explanation.

"What you see going on is the world's population deconstructing 'genetic engineering' and destroying multinational corporate ownership of 'intellectual property' by co-opting it and incorporating it into their own intellectualitismisms," he said.

Wasbroke also predicted an impact of GM weed on world markets. "Multinational slavemonger conglomerates who seek complete domination of the world's food supply will be supremely challenged by this totally bad weed," he said. "They want us to be totally dependent on fast-food, snack-food, food with corn sweeteners, even pork. Did you know Monsanto patented pork? Anyhow, with this totally nasty weed, we're free of corporate domination and will eat anything at all!"

After making this remark, Wasbroke and Shava devoted themselves to constructing canape's using caviar, paper clips and pickled shark's gills, and became unresponsive.

Philippe Phoulouppe, a Gendarme with the French constabulary of the city of Cretin, had much different thoughts about the spread of GM weed.

"We are here to supervise the peaceful destruction of farmer's crops," he said. "But things have gotten out of hand. My officers are now taking part in field destruction, and what is worse, they are donating the crops they harvest to Greenpace! And Greenpace is paying them bundles of Francs!"

Hose Jove, a sheep farmer famed in France and around the world for destroying GM crops, released an official statement. "These aren't crops, they're weeds. In fact, this is the baddest weed there ever was. Campesinos, our brave Faucheurs, should harvest them wherever they can be found."

Jove also confessed that he might have made an error when he directed the destruction of so many McDonald's restaurants. "Gosh," he said, during the throes of a fit of coughing, "I need eight double cheeseburgers, and I mean, right now."

While Campesinos ran to fill his order at a steel-reinforced McDonald's 40 kilometers away, Jove directed his attentions to a nearby sheep, resulting in a video which YouTube quickly removed.

The industry association Organization for Universal Biotechnology (OUB) offered a statement in the wake of these events, through an affiliate, the Consulate on Biologicalicity Informativeness (CBgI):

"Clearly this shows what can happen, when you do not have monopolistic governmental bureaucracies. These bureaucracies responsibly require any person, or citizen, or even your favorite cat or dog, to pay at least $200 million to us. I mean, us the government. Okay, to the government. Okay, to us. Well, we pay for it. To approve this weed. To test it, you know."

At the Greenpace offices in Amsterdim, Henedikt Baerlin says the group has anticipated this sudden, urgent ecological need.

"Here at Greenpace Headquarters," he says, gasping and reaching for a fresh bag of potato crisps, "We have a unique situation. The European Consortium has given us EUR25 million to evaluate the impact of this nasty, totally furious and expansive weed, and studies have proven that our group has more long-term, broad-based experience with weed of all types than anyone on Earth."

"That's why we have worldwide monitoring programs for Psilocybin, Papaver somniferum, jimsonweed, and Erythroxylon coca," he adds. "We have a highly dedicated staff of scientists, some of them with science degrees, who tell us about the unknown dangers, and believe me, they refuse to engage in animal testing."

Adds Baerlin: "We'll work day and night to accurately assess the proper biological niche for this hellacious weed. It may be that we must confine it to one of our greenhouses, and only allow samples to people with the right accreditation, which will cost, like, major simoleons, or whatever you got on you."

Even so, as the debate rages over genetically modified weed, the voices of the NGOs remain equivocal at best.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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