Scientists are near to beginning tests with the Large Hardon Collider, located on the Swiss-French border. The collider, which will feature male porn stars from around the world, will be used to test the strength and properties of new condom materials.
The porn stars, after being properly prepared by their female (or male) "fluffers" and draped with the test materials, will begin running toward each other from opposite sides of a track spanning the border. At the moment of impact, a detector array consisting of several thousand webcams will capture the collision from multiple angles as the condoms shatter and millions of small particles of "quantum foam" are sprayed into the device.
By piecing together these collisions, the scientists hope to discover entirely new information about the nature of condom rupture and condom mechanics.
Several porn stars from Latino, South Asian and African countries are also expected to be brought in for special tests of the additional effects of "dark energy" on condom mechanics.
According to Asian porn star Higgs "Bone" San, "The start of the collider will be a massive advance for the international scientific community".
At the end of each day's testing, the subjects and their partners will all get together for a "Big Bang", which will of course be filmed to generate funding for future experiments.
On a more downbeat note, a group in Hawaii has filed a lawsuit to stop the experiments out of fears that a last minute reversal on the track by one of the gay African porn stars could lead to the sudden compression of a "black hole", resulting in unpredictable but clearly disastrous consequences.