The CERN Large Hadron Collider (LHC) has been switched on miles underneath the Franco-Swiss border.
Atoms of Snails and cuckoo clocks are being hurled into each other via a 27 mile loop of pipes and some magnets bought from a joke shop in Cleethorpes. It is hoped that scientists will be able to see atoms only viable at the very beginning of the universe. They will also be able to properly mix a great martini.
Armchair scientists from around the world have predicted that this will signify the end of the world or at least create an inter-dimensional wormhole that will allow Captain Picard to beam down to earth and save us all.
Fox News is reporting the activation of the LHC as a great advance towards judgement day and mainly the fault of Barack Obama.