The latest health report shows that green tea is beneficial to your overall health and may in fact help to prevent cancer.
After sales for Lipton Green Tea reached an all-time low, CEO Ivan T. Cash insisted professional researchers inspect the product for a detailed health report.
"I knew the consumers were missing something with this product and that if I could find some benefit in buying the product they would give in," explained Cash.
Researchers found that drinking sixteen gallons of Lipton green tea everyday might, possibly, if you're lucky and superstitious reduce your chances of getting cancer by .05%. But, Cash insists we note, the health benefits can only be enjoyed if his product is consumed.
"Anything for the customers," he remarked. "Everyone thinks of the corporate suits as people who are just trying to make an extra buck using manipulative fear tactics. That's not the case, I'm just trying to force them to see why my product is better."
In the week following the scientific breakthrough, profits skyrocketed.
This just in!...New reports claim that Lipton Green Tea is actually bad for your general health. Side effects of over-consumption include over-active bladder and green tea hangovers. Sales are rapidly dropping.
This just in!...Lipton Green Tea actually does help prevent cancer, and it reinvigorates your sex life and lowers your metabolism. Sales are on the rise.