Philadelphia PA-- Stunning new research from a major university here is sending shockwaves throughout the world. DNA sequencing of Neanderthal bone marrow indicates "man's cousin" never went extinct. They are the Irish.
The research had many surprises. Neanderthals were all red-headed and blue-eyed. Every human alive today with the same features is at least partly Neanderthal. The related genes were unknown in human populations until inbreeding with troglodytes.
The Irish people have the most Neanderthal genes of any human population. It helps to explain Irish traits such as their love for sad music and story telling. Gaelic is probably the oldest surviving human language--well over 100,000 years according to linguists.
There is some controversy in the scientific community about whether the Irish, or Neanderthals, should even be considered human. Most scientists are compassionate but would have to say they are not.
The United Nations is voting later today to dissolve the Irish government and make the entire island a nature preserve.