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Tuesday, 1 July 2008

image for We Can Make Invisible Things Invisible, Scientist Says
Prof. Graeme Milton pretends to be teaching while using his special lenses to oogle what's under a student's coat.

(Durham, NC) - Leading scientists in the field of Non-Newtonian Non-Sense Gobbledygook reported today that Harry Potter's invisibility cloak may be right around the corner, with one researcher at Duke University going so far as to say that "we can already make invisible things that are already invisible."

In theory, all that's needed to make a small object invisible is something called a superlens, says Graeme Milton, a mathematician at the University of Utah.

Professor Milton has been working with several Australian collaborators (who mostly supply the beer) in an effort to prove mathematical models he says show that at a critical distance from a superlens, an object would seem to disappear.

"This would allow us to pop into a pub and down a few pints without paying, wander around the girl's locker room at the local high school or college, or even pull President Bush's pants down during a press conference without the Secret Service even knowing we were there," said a heavily breathing Milton.

"So, as you can see, the number of practical applications for such a technology would be limitless."

Milton said he wouldn't go as far as to promise that this kind of invisibility cloak would work for very large objects such as trucks, buildings or Oprah, but certainly small things such as clusters of dust particles would be good candidates.

"As you can imagine, being able to make dust invisible is just the first step towards curing cancer, feeding all of mankind, and even world peace!! Imagine how tranquil the world would be if no housewife ever need dust again thanks to invisible dust."

Princeton University physics professor David Huse said he is "sure this is legitimate science (wink-wink, nudge-nudge), although as always one needs to be skeptical of the extrapolations beyond what has already been proven."

Huse, however, speculated that while it may be possible to invent a device that makes things invisible, the device itself would likely be visible.

"So if you wanted to walk around in the girl's shower room---and who wouldn't---you would have to hope that no one thought it odd that a six foot tall lens was following them around and breathing heavily."

David Smith goes even further, claiming to already be able to make microwaves invisible, but only microwaves, which are already invisible to human eyes.

"So you'll just have to take my word for it," said Smith, professor of electrical and computer engineering at Duke University, before asking if anyone knew where he could get another $100 million or so to fund further research, pay for his dry cleaning, and purchase more beer bongs.

"Believe me, if you could see microwaves in the first place, then you would be able to see that you can't see them now thanks to my work," said Smith, who is apparently a direct descendent of Lewis Carroll.

Whether this boondoggle ever leads to some real life Harry Potter getting to peep on his real life Hermione Granger or Cho Chang is anyone's guess. Two things are certain, however: scientists sure do get paid a lot of money for stuff that makes no sense at all, and they all seem to be working on things that will allow them finally see a naked woman.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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