Written by JASONL
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Topics: Health, FDA, placebo

Wednesday, 25 June 2008

image for FDA Bans Placebos

In order to placate the American public's fear that medical aid is not high on his agenda, President George W. Bush has issued the following statement.

"To show my high regard for the health and welfare of Americans, effective immediately, I am ordering the FDA to ban the Placebo. I have known all along that it doesn't work and it never will. Any attempts to purchase placebos from Canada will be dealt with accordingly."

This latest revelation contradicts all past theories of the efficacy of the Placebo pill.

The American public had been told that Placebos should be totally ineffective. There had been scattered reports that some drug manufacturers had covered up their own research results that demonstrated that the Placebo, in fact, had been 15% effective in patients suffering from Hemoglobula, Periotenathy, Stigmata, and rare cases of Osmostatia.

It had been suggested that the alleged cover-up was to prevent patients, in need of medical improvement might, in fact, start taking Placebos instead of the more expensive and profit making drugs.

According to Dr. Heinrich Melanoma, Surgeon General of the United States, in conjunction with the FDA, "The Placebo just doesn't work."

The Federal Drug Administration had just released their latest report that will ban the use of the medical pill, Placebo, generically known as 'the 'Sugar Pill'. Manufacturers of the Placebo will cease production immediately. Hospitals and pharmacies will destroy remaining stock. Patients who have been dispensed Placebos should cease taking them and flush them down the toilet.

Extensive research, that had been carried out by the FDA in conjunction with the John Hopkins University Medical University, the Mayo Clinic, Tufts Medical University and Duke University have confirmed that the Placebo is not 100% effective.

The accumulative toxicology reports indicated that by using the research processes of Laser Nano-Technotologies, Radio-Active Croutons, CSI, and AARP's, it was revealed that some patients actually showed signs of improvement using the Placebo rather than the medication originally scheduled to be used. According to Dr. Melanoma, "It is our obligation and duty to prevent the public from being cured by using Placebos rather than the pharmaceutically prescribed medication."

President Bush lauded the Surgeons General's decision. The president further re-iterated, "This is why I only appoint credible people to my cabinet."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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