Written by Schmoker
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Friday, 20 June 2008

image for Mars Lander Finds Ice; Mixed Drinks in Space Coming Soon
NASA's discovery means you could soon be watering your lawn on Mars.

(The North Pole, Mars) - In one of the most important scientific discoveries of the last 100 days (at least), the Mars Lander, currently making sand castles in the sand of the polar region of the fourth rock from the sun, has located deposits of ice just below the planet's surface. A spokesman for NASA indicated that ice was crucial to being able to make quality mixed drinks, opening the way for a Chili's franchise on Mars.

"Certainly the commercial exploitation of space is crucial to ongoing mission funding, and for that reason the discovery of ice has us thrilled," said NASA spokesman Marvin the Martian.

But there was more to the ice discovery than just some hard water.

"You can't have serious long term human habitation of a planet without booze, and lots of it. This discovery means that we will be able to make Alabama Slammers, Frozen Margaritas, Pina Coladas, and all the other mixed drinks people associate with space research but that require ice as a key component."

NASA believes this is a key element for human missions to the red planet.

"Knowing ice is available will in turn make it much easier for us to recruit astronauts for long term Martian missions. No one wants to spend a couple of years on a deserted planet without being able to get hammered on a regular basis."

But what does this mean to the average inhabitant of Earth? When asked that question, Mr. Marvin had a ready reply.

"For the regular Jill and Joe walking around on the street, let me first say, "Get out of the middle of the street, you donk!!! You're going to get hit by a car. Stay on the sidewalk."

After giggling for a moment, Mr. Marvin calmed down and continued.

"This means that we will be able to open that Chili's restaurant on Mars that we are all so excited about. And as we all know, everything is better at Chili's. It will make space tourism a reality if people know they can get their baby back, baby back, baby back ribs; their Chilliiiiiii's baby baaack riiibbs on Mars."

The press conference then concluded as everyone realized they were starving and needed a drink like a bastard.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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