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Topics: Energy, blood

Wednesday, 18 June 2008

image for New Alternative Energy Source: Your Own Blood!
"Bleed the pain away and save mother Earth"-Scientists

A brand new, efficient fuel for our energy addicted nation - Blood. This new idea is coming straight from the scientists right here in our own city, Hell Hole, Texas!

"Yes, it truly is an ingenious plan - a renewable resource we all have with us all the time!" Said a pasty looking scientist. "Who would have thought our own blood would one day become the fuel for our cars, plans, trains, and even the power to the morgue! (That's the place you will be after powering it by your own blood)"

At the press conference when announcing this new phenomenon of our century; there were mix opinions from the audience. "Well, to be honest I'm not into the whole vampire; suck my blood, emo thing. I mean really, I will leave the cutting to the self-absorbed lowlife teenagers with no idea what pot is for. They are the only morons who would cut themselves open for blood to run their car would be those fruit cake teenagers." - the old pot-head man said.

An emo-looking, pierced, ghettoized, evil teenager came up to the pot-head man and yelled - "You old hag you have no understanding of the meaning and importance of blood. The pain I cure is by the flesh I cut and bleed; it's a beautiful energizing ritual I do daily. This asshole here has no idea the importance this could bring to America; if we could all learn to cut ourselves and bleed for fuel and our inner pain this could solve enormous problems haunting us.

"Just think-no more energy crisis-unless of course you cut too much, then you might bleed to death and end up in the morgue; and it would solve all of the depression in America. Instead of turning to food or drugs to solve our emotional damage we can just cut for gas! What an excellent plan-I'm totally for it!"

In this new design, users of the new "Blood Fuel Products" will have to carry knifes and cut themselves when they are in need of fuel. It's easy and simple-no more gas lines or the best part-no more high gas prices. Why pay that four dollars a gallon for gas when you could cut for free instead?

"This new invention would require the hybrid blood/gas engines to replace the current generation of motors; but other than the initial start up costs, it will be an instant savor for the pocket book"-commented one of the top scientists. Exactly, this might be a bit of a hurdle to cross initial for some lowlife paupers, but in the end they will save with the free fuel of their own blood. The blood's proteins and nutritional supplements are what the engines will burn as fuel in the new age of motor technology.

Most of the support from this new plan comes from the tree hugging liberal groups and the emo generation of teenagers. "This new blood plan is great for the wonderful mother Earth. We have absolutely no right to come invade this planet and use its resources. We should sacrifice ourselves if we wish to operate cars and have electricity. We don't need these things; and it's time for America to wake up and understand the crucial role each play in our ecosystem. We must sacrifice our blood for fuel now!"

"It doesn't really matter that we are saving the planet; I mean come on there are so many problems us teenagers go through it should be about saving us. Our souls need to be saved from misery and pain-a byproduct of teenage life that has to stop. In this new revolution of technology finally we are able to combine the clean, renewable fuel blood with the anti-depression ritual we all secretly do: cut."

In an effort to show consumers exactly how the new fueling process works, the scientists made a simple plan of the how two's in cutting:

  1. You need a knife-a big bread knife ready to cut deep
  2. Fearless brave soul (yourself) willing to cut into themselves to bleed
  3. The body limb ready to cut open needs to be prepared with the new "Cut me open" cream
  4. The knife needs to be sanitized
  5. Take the limb ready to be stabbed and position it in the proper way to allow maximum bleeding into the "Blood Pan"
  6. Take the knife and stab and cut into your limb and continue to cut till the instant right before you would die. (This is the part that shall make the pain go away if you are currently in an emotional crisis situation)
  7. Continue the blood flow into the "Blood Pan"
  8. More blood
  9. Be careful not to remove organs while cutting-don't make the wounds to deep; only enough to bleed profusely for the next 10 minutes.
  10. Remove a belt if you are wearing one (if not just go steal someone's) and wrap it above the wound and make it tight. Wear the belt for the next hour or so.
  11. Take "Blood Pan" and pour contents into the fuel tank
  12. Now able to run car on your own blood-Great Job!

Now the only warning label to come with this product is the "Death Star." Basically it is a warning that consumers can die if they lose too much blood while cutting. "It is not a real worry; a few lives are really not that big of a deal to lose. We are talking about the saving the planet from our horrid species-human. Anything to help save the planet is worth it; even if it means some must die in the process"

Other products that were considered for alternative fuel include: The Snot Machine, Bodily Fluids R Us, I-Drink-Pee-Machine, and Human Flesh 2.01.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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