Written by Chuck Barber
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Topics: Scientists

Sunday, 16 May 2004

Contrary to accepted opinion, scientists at MIT have determined that excretion is not only pointless, it is actually bad for you.

In a study completed in 2003 involving over 500 persons the scientists determined that internal reuse of waste products is better for the body than just washing the nutrients in waste out of the body. More importantly, the study proved that rather than poison the body as always thought, waste matter re-energizes cells and provides a positive health benefit. Not that there weren't occasional problems. Four percent of those in the study proved unable to re-process the waste and actually split open under the force of the un-evacuated waste. However, the remaining ninety six percent eventually metabolized the waste and were able to go longer periods between eating and drinking.

Dr. Paul Wecthel, head Excretion Researcher at MIT's Housman Center for Excretion Studies noted the human body is "an amazing machine. For years we have assumed that because we have excretory systems the proper end for waste is to be excreted and disposed of. This has led to a myriad of problems including fouled water and land."

Dr. Wecthel went on to add that one use for waste has always been as fertilizer. "If we use it to grow flowers and food, why not use it to grow ourselves?"

It was from this idea that the study was born. Dr. Wecthel admitted that while only four percent of persons in the study split open over seventy two percent experienced initial difficulties. "Bedwetting and bowel embarrassments were widespread at first, but after a couple of weeks - once the body began to understand it wasn't business as usual - the intestines began to work again on the waste and absorb it into the system. A few persons remain yellow, but very few."

This could prove an extremely efficient way to lose weight, as well. The dieter would not be hungry as the body reused the nutrients already contained within it.

Dr. Wecthel and his team were especially eager to suggest one implementation of this discovery. "It is always difficult for an army to carry enough provisions; water is so heavy. Imagine commandos eating huge meals and drinking gallons of water before going out on patrol. They could carry their supplies internally! Like a cow chewing its cud the commandos would re-eat their food and re-drink their water."

This discovery, Dr. Wecthel noted, "will change the way the world eats!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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