Seven scientists paid to find a cure for mad cow disease simply sat on their back sides and did jack shit for almost a decade.
Based at Imperial College London, the team of scientists from some of Britain's top institutions have spent more time watching stacks of litmus paper change colour than actually putting their £200m fund to good use.
Head of the team, Professor Alex Winterbottom, fresh from setting fire to a methane filled container said: "We kind of got carried away really, it's just so amusing watching this chemicals blow up and wreck havoc."
James O'Callan, a biochemist from Oxford University and youngest member of the team moved out of home four years ago to set up residence behind the laboratory's combustion unit, just so "he won't miss any braaap!! Explosions."
He said: "who wants to do boring stuff like extract cow DNA when you've got enough laughing gas to make all the mad cows in the world happy."
Imperial College staff members began to suspect the scientists were doing absolute zilch when deliveries to the lab became increasingly worrying. A single day's delivery could include 14 large pizzas, seven life size cakes, boxes of fire works, a truck load of ice cream and enough champagne "to sink a ship," according to an anonymous source.
"It's just so much of a delight scampering for cover when a solution of iodine and ammonia water explodes with a massive bang," said microbiologist, Stacy Phillicomb, while gorging herself on an assortment of confectionaries. "You should have seen the black smoke that billowed from that little shed across the road after we blasted it into the bloody skies," she added.
The fully functional laboratory located in the north wing of the college's science department was discovered to be equipped with four 42 inch HD TVs, a home cinema system, seven PS3s, a Jacuzzi and a 10ft high fridge loaded with chunky knackwurst sausages, yoghurt, fish fingers, cider and loads of other cool stuff.
Health Secretary, Alan Johnson, reacting to the discovery said: "This is disgraceful, who could ever imagine that a team of highly respected scientists would get all that money only to spend countless hours watching John Tickle walk on custard."
"If you don't want mad cows, don't feed them their own shit, that's all there is to it. Now I'm off to mix some potassium permanganate with a bit of ethylene glycol, I swear the reaction is absolutely wicked," said Winterbottom while stretching out his huge bear paws to grab another chilled Budweiser.
The Health Secretary has since ordered the team to stop doing utter squat and get on with their work.