London - (20-a-day Mess): British Imperial Cancer Industries are feeling very pleased with themselves after successfully hiring Dr Andrew Wakefield-type quacks to blame throat cancer on dodgy oral sex practices.
The company has previously argued that childhood ailments such as leukemia, autism and attention deficiency disorders are the fault of mystery pathogens, and totally unconnected with pregnant women's filthy tobacco habits.
At a press conference in London today the cigarette company said that throat cancer looks pretty much like overblown anal warts "which everybody knows can be caught from somebody sitting on your face during a high pollen count season."
The company recently voted to include a 200-pack of ciggies in all freebie gift packs to teenage mothers as an incentive to help them find a lifelong hobby with which to amuse themselves in between bouts of needless parturition.
"It's purely a philanthropic gesture on our behalf," Sir Richard Pus-Phlegm said today.