Written by Michael Ducky
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Topics: Flying, Airlines

Wednesday, 11 June 2008

image for Airlines to cut costs with recycling
Airlines experiment with cheaper alternative fuels, here a highland single malt scotch is tested

Reno, Nevada (Faux News) - Airline industry executives from several major carriers concluded a three day conference in Reno, Nevada. The purpose of the conference was to address the growing travel crisis fueled largely by the high cost of jet fuel.

A notable agreement among the execs was a measure to demonstrate their environmental commitment by recycling air sickness bags. "Look at it this way", commented Michael Boreline of NorWestern Bluelines, "we barely serve a decent meal anymore, so statistically the bag in your seat should only have to be changed once for every few hundred trips...".

Another major breakthrough was the suggestion to add flight simulation software to the backseat displays now common on new passenger jets. "This will positively affect our operating costs.", explained Michael, "When the pilot and copilot walk on board they will encounter plenty of less than qualified individuals who think they can do the captain's job just as well, thus strengthening our negotiation position with the union...". Another possible use for the software would be to allow collective feedback of multiple inputs to control the plane, eliminating pilots altogether. "It will be handled by a democratic steering committee...where do you want to go today? Should we land now?...".

Video Conferencing and full internet access are also planned for business class sections. "We envision the day that your mid level manger type steps on board the plane, has a few cocktails, gives a presentation and disembarks without ever leaving the airport confines. The best we can do today is hold a plane on the ground for four to six hours, but were shooting for 100 percent within three years tops."

Last on the agenda was a motion to replace airport "Security" with the symbol '?'. "The reduced costs in Silkscreening will be immense. This is something any employee will be able to self apply with a sharpie onto a plain white T-shirt. Everyone just needs to learn that '?' equals TRUST".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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