As desperate scientists are gravely beset by impossible crises ranging from HIV-AIDS to global warming, a small group of mammalian researchers has decided to focus on the warm and friendly qualities of the walrus.
The ugly beast apparently is as kind as it is homely. Researchers are comparing it to the lobster, a creature that's deliciousness can only be exceeded by its repulsive appearance.
A peculiar group of mammalian linguistic experts has discovered that walrus possess a remarkable vocabulary: "They can, unlike any non-human creatures say their own name!" according to Connie Lynn Guist. "They say I am the walrus! The females answer in a kind a mating call: I am the Eggman and then if both parties concur they embark on the ku ku ka ju- ing!"