Ithaca, New York -- Researchers at Cornell University have concluded a four-year study of the United States, which they reveal to be the leading cause of cancer, obesity, heart disease, emphysema, diabetes, rabies, chlamydia, herpes, hepatitis, and cooties.
"We've contacted the Center for Disease Control, and put out a warning for all other countries to avoid America," said Dr. Werner Schnitzel, lead researcher at Cornell Laboratories. "We had no idea it was so virulent but the test results (and the left-wing propaganda) don't lie."
Researchers are working in conjunction with several pharmaceutical companies to develop a vaccine, but many doctors have expressed doubts that any vaccine will be able to prevent America from being America.
The President, when asked if America would issue a formal apology for being so virulent and unhealthy, laughed, clubbed a reporter, and ate a cheeseburger.