Written by Jesus Budda
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Thursday, 15 May 2008

image for Man Returns From The Future and Says It's 'Not that Bad'
Shit, still missed the bus!

Scientists are continuing to question a man who claims to be the first time traveler to visit Earth this year.

Influential members of the scientific community - such as Prof. Steven Hawkings and William 'Capt. Kirk' Shatner - were closely monitoring Dave Krevatnik, from Eerie Indiana to find out what the 'future' may have in store.

He gave his first press conference this morning and in it he made some startling claims about what may be in store for humanity.

"Global warming doesn't happen. In fact it gets a little colder around 2067. It's not that bad", said the so-called 'future man', "a whole sh*tload of oil is discovered on the Moon. In fact it turns out burning fossil fuels is good for the environment. Something to do with burning away all the decomposing waste mankind has been creating for thousands of years. Cleanses the Earth - or something…".

He also had good news for Prof. Hawkings and William Shatner.

"In 2142 everybody goes around in a wheelchair and speaks with an electronic voice-box. It's the latest craze developed because humans have gotten so f*ckin' lazy to walk to the store or even bother talking to other human beings.

"William Shatner wins an Oscar in 2020 for his portrayal of Jamaican-born civil rights leader Marcus Garvey", proclaimed Dave, "he also succeeds in making Esperanto the national language of America and finally abolishes child slavery in Belgium".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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