New research from the White House Office of Faith-Based Scientific Inquiry indicates a thorough chain of causality for drug use, mental illness, liberal political preferences & mopery.
In a simple-minded latitudinal study, mostly based on asking home-schooled youngsters & their parents, the scientific inquirers learned the following proven facts:
- Almost 100 percent of drug addicts, cigarette smokers, voting & non-voting liberals, bi-polars, paranoid schizophrenics, clinical depressives, borderlines, & life-long mopers began their failed lives on milk. A huge percentage began on cow's milk or formulae derived from it, a signficant number on mother's milk & almost none on goat's milk. Further research on goat's milk as a proven preventive will begin shortly.
- All known heroin users began on either cow's or mother's milk; none on goat's milk.
- Slightly more than 99 percent of cigarette smokers began on cow's or mother's milk, less than 1 percent on goat's milk.
- Less than one half of 1 percent of those who began on goat's milk grew up to be liberals in thought or in voter-motivated actions.
- None of the adults accused of mopery were known to have started on goat's milk.
The reverend doctors of divinity who conducted this survey made note of the significant fact that it seems very likely cow's milk is a statistically significant cause of problems in adolescent behavior & subsequent adult life. There is considerable evidence that human breast milk may be equally significant, along with some suspicions that the correlation occurs because the nursing mother may actually be drinking cow's milk during her lactation. Finally, there is a great deal of evidence that youngsters brought up on goat's milk enjoy unusually normal lives & seldom experience personality problems as adults.
Bu$hInc & the Office of Faith-Based Scientific Inquiry gave a hearty "thank you" to the American Dairy Goat Association, of Spindale, North Carolina USA, for their inestimable assistance in this udderly unbelievable study.