New York - A study has revealed that people who use cell phones are much, much more important than other people.
According to the study, led by Dr. Henry Crankhore, people who are seen using cell phones in public places are more likely to be thought of as big-ass important people, whereas people who don't use cell phones in public are unimportant nobodies who don't count.
"We sampled a demographic of 500 people," said Crankhore. "It showed that, if cell phones were invisible, most people wouldn't own or use them. The whole point is for you to see the big-ass important man using his pretentious status symbol so you'll know that he's a real busy and important man."
The study shows that this does not only apply to adults. Teenagers, who mistakenly believe that phone-use is a basic human right, would not be caught dead with a cell phone if it couldn't be seen by their peers. "This way," Crankhore told Spoof reporters, "they can perpetuate the illusion that they have something important to say which, let me assure you, they do not."
Shortly after releasing the report, Dr. Crankhore was seized by an angry, torch-wielding mob of villagers and cell-phone manufacturers and burned alive for having an unpopular opinion.