LOUISVILLE - Aliens from another galaxy announced today that they had finally found what they had been seeking for the last fifty years of human history.
Zoombeb Ribnok, a spokes-alien for the Gaborza Galaxy said that the anal probing of humans was no longer necessary since his companion, Bok, had finally found his class ring inside the anus of Louisville, Kentucky resident, Phillip Meyer, 78.
"We are sorry if we caused any misunderstanding or pain," said Ribnok. "But Bok simply had to find his ring. It was a gift from his mom."
Ribnok said that Bok had lost the ring in 1958. "We abducted Mister Meyer in order to study the effects of low gravity on the human body," said Ribnok. "We had never seen a human before."
Ribnok stated that Bok had poked his finger into Meyer's anus and said, "I wonder what this thing is for."
Ribnok went on to state, "I told him, 'Careful, Bok. It might bite. Why don't you just leave it alone? You're always sticking your finger in everything.' But, Bok said that it wouldn't hurt any if it did bite because he didn't see any teeth."
Ribnok stated that when Bok pulled his finger out, he didn't even notice the ring was gone. "He had been probing anuses for quite a few years. We're talking hundreds of human specimens, all of whom had their anuses probed by Bok, who couldn't figure out for the life of him what the hole was for."
Ribnok said they were halfway home when Bok suddenly yelled, "Shit! My ring! My ring is gone! I must have lost it in an anus somewhere back on earth! Damn it, my mom gave me that ring! She's gonna' eat me alive like she did my sister!"
Ribnok went on to state that since they had abducted so many humans the ring could have been in any one of their anuses.
"We had to come all the way back and re-abduct everyone in order to find that damn ring."
Ribnok said now that they had found the ring there would be no more anal probing of humans.
"It is an embarrassment to our species," said Ribnok. "We are highly intelligent beings and we travel light years through space just to see what's up your anus. Well, we had good reason. Bok's mom would have eaten him for sure."
Meyer, the man probed, said he had wondered all these years what the aliens wanted with him and why it hurt so much when he crapped.
"I'm just glad they found what they were looking for," he said. "This explains a lot."