A woman who, for the last 97 years, has existed solely on a strict diet of lard, is 100 today, and still going strong, according to the doctors who monitor her life support machine.
Nelly Crackers, of Blackburn in Lancashire, has reached her ton despite the fact that she has disregarded every piece of health advice she was ever given, and eaten lard at every meal. She has never deviated from her regime of rendered pigfat.
The only concession she has made, is to only smoke 100 cigarettes a day.
Today she received her 100th Birthday telegram from Her Majesty the Queen who told The Spoof that she, herself, rarely eats lard, although her husband Prince Philip does have "the occasional blob".
Doctors who feed Nelly top quality lard as part of an ongoing scientific experiment, say she is "as fit as a fiddle" - a smashed fiddle, that is.
Nelly's neighbour Elsie Arbuckle, 94, told our reporter:
"We've asked her round for many a plate o' tripe, but she's too set in 'er ways!"