Toledo, Ohio - Scientists at the National Institute for the Study of Bizarre Androgynous Freaks have completed a seven-month study on pop star Michael Jackson. The results of the study are reported to be too terrifying for words.
"I can't tell you," said Dr. Vernon Dooger, lead scientist assigned to the project. "It's just too bizarre and awful for words!" Dr. Dooger told reporters that, as a result of the study, he has decided to begin drinking heavily. "I mean, when we started the medical examination, we saw . . . something. OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD I CAN'T TAKE IT."
Jackson, 45, is currently under indictment for doing disgusting things to children. Dooger, since performing the study, has moved to Brazil and started a goat farm.
In a public statement, Jackson told reporters, "I'm so happy to be a womany man-thing." He then went on to say very naughty things about little boys and how Jehovah wants him to own a monkey and marry the bones of the Elephant Man.