(New York) Results of a long-awaited study on cellular phone usage have just been released, showing that as many as four percent of people who speak on cell phones in public may actually be engaged in genuine conversations with other human beings.
The study, conducted by the American Institute Of Pretentious Communication Modalities, suggests that some "doctors, stockbrokers, lawyers and proprietors of small businesses" may, at least on occasion, actually use the hand-held devices to speak to "anxious patients and demanding clients." However, the authors of the study stressed that such instances of genuine need were "well in the minority", both within and outside the professions.
The study further found that approximately 78% of cell phone users were "insecure, insignificant, status-obsessed worms" who used their cellular phones in public "to suggest to other people in the immediate vicinity, however implausibly, that they were somehow important."
Along these lines, researchers found that over 58% of those surveyed used their cell phones as "props" through which to broadcast falsely to passersby that they held interesting, highly remunerative jobs, owned extraordinarily expensive consumer goods, or were on a first-name basis with celebrities.
Levels of misleading or outrightly fraudulent cell phone conversation were found to be highest among suburban soccer moms, "goth" teens, balding men with ponytails, and persons who characterized themselves as "working on a screenplay."