Written by ZiaUl-Hack
Print this
Topics: New York, Public

Saturday, 10 September 2005

image for Study: 4% Of Cell Phone Users Actually Speaking To Someone At Other End
"Jim", 27, seeking to impress neighbors, loudly dumped Hillary Duff in fake cel phone chat

(New York) Results of a long-awaited study on cellular phone usage have just been released, showing that as many as four percent of people who speak on cell phones in public may actually be engaged in genuine conversations with other human beings.

The study, conducted by the American Institute Of Pretentious Communication Modalities, suggests that some "doctors, stockbrokers, lawyers and proprietors of small businesses" may, at least on occasion, actually use the hand-held devices to speak to "anxious patients and demanding clients." However, the authors of the study stressed that such instances of genuine need were "well in the minority", both within and outside the professions.

The study further found that approximately 78% of cell phone users were "insecure, insignificant, status-obsessed worms" who used their cellular phones in public "to suggest to other people in the immediate vicinity, however implausibly, that they were somehow important."

Along these lines, researchers found that over 58% of those surveyed used their cell phones as "props" through which to broadcast falsely to passersby that they held interesting, highly remunerative jobs, owned extraordinarily expensive consumer goods, or were on a first-name basis with celebrities.

Levels of misleading or outrightly fraudulent cell phone conversation were found to be highest among suburban soccer moms, "goth" teens, balding men with ponytails, and persons who characterized themselves as "working on a screenplay."

Make ZiaUl-Hack's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

More by this writer

View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story


Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!


What's 5 multiplied by 4?

4 11 20 7
57 readers are online right now!

Go to top

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more