Written by Robert W. Armijo
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Friday, 21 March 2008

image for A.I. "Dextre" decries "I am Robot" then goes HAL 2000 -- 911 calls to Mission Control report shots fired aboard the International Space Station
It's PCVPC aboard the shuttle and the Int'l Space Station as Dextre achieves A.I. and goes berserk over hazing

Huston, Texas - Just after one day "Dextre" the Robot was activated by the shuttle crew of the Endeavour, NASA ordered him shutdown. The trouble began when Dextre was asked to deviate from its primary programming to get the crew a cup of coffee. Dextre complied, however, when he was asked to do a number of other things that conflicted with its Psycho-Cybernetic Virtual Processing Chip (PCVPC), a slight malfunction occurred: it attempted to murder the crew and jettison their bodies into space.

"I don't know what went wrong," said Richard Linnehan, mission specialist. "It just went berserk on us."

"Yeah, one minute it was serving us coffee, the next it was tarring up the station trying to kill us," said Robert Behnken, mission specialist.

"That doesn't make sense," said Frank Nicolas-Stein, NASA software engineer and inventor of the PCVPC. "I programmed him myself, using safety protocols that can't be overwritten."

Stein is credited for coming up with the PCVPC method programming, which literally converts personalities of human being into algorithms saving trillions of man-hours of writing code and advancing artifice intelligence (A.I.) light years into the future.

"It's a simple process really," said Stein. "You see I imprinted the robot matrix with algorithms from the personalities of Gandhi for tolerance, the Incredible Hulk for inner strength and myself for the vast knowledge I have of the shuttle's complex intergraded systems."

According NASA officials, the Endeavour crew took to Dextre so well that they thought to induct him as their newest crewmember, putting him through the paces of ritualistic astronaut hazing.

Stein theorizes that Dextre must have suffered one of his flashbacks from a bad-hazing experience he had in college, causing him to malfunction.

As Mission Control cheered on the crewmembers of the Endeavour, in-flight cameras captured from every angle Dextre's humiliating hazing induction aboard the shuttle.

As documented in the brief 15 minutes of flight footage, first the crewmembers made Dextre wear mission specialists Behnken's underwear over where his virtual head would be. Then after giving Dextre a few shots of 3-in-1 Oil, they took him to up to the shuttle cockpit and made him show them his CPU.

"They even pulled out their slide rules and began measuring it, comparing it to CPU's from other computers on board," said Stein. "Then they made him sit in the flight commanders chair, forcing him take a data dump."

Shortly thereafter, Dextre can be seen grabbing mission specialist Behnken by the neck, swinging him around the cockpit before charging after the others.

Dextre is then seen pursuing his fellow crewmembers throughout the science lab modules with his enormous mechanical arms outstretched in a menacing manner as they fled before him in utter silence, as Dextre cut all audio feed by that time.

In the last minute of the footage, the Endeavour crewmembers appear to be struggling with Dextre near one of the space station's airlocks, attempting to prevent him from jettisoning the unconscious body of mission specialist Behnken.

At the last second, Russian Cosmonaut, Igor Popoff is seen firing the fatal shot into Dextre's mainframe ending the incident.

NASA officials, say they have no further comment on the matter until the shuttle returns to earth and a more extensive investigation is conducted.

However, the Russian space agency said they have plans to release the incident footage under the title, "When Robot Go Wild" to raise badly needed funding.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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