Written by ZiaUl-Hack
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Friday, 30 April 2004

(New York, NY) Following the brouhaha in the 70's over the dire effects of global cooling, and a more recent spate of Doomsday Scenario prognostications relating to the supposed phenomenon of global warming, environmental pressure groups are now beginning to warn that the most pressing Doomsday Scenario man now faces arises from the spectre of Global Temperature Stasis, in which the planet's ambient temperatures remain basically the same over the course of decades, centuries and even historical epochs.

Tyler Schwed, spokesman for the activist group Life Is Not Healthy For The Planet And Other Living Things, speaking at a rally in Bryant Park, said that planetary temperatures had changed "at best between .6 and 1.1 degrees over the last 100 years", a circumstance with "dire implications for the future of the green planet, Doomsday-Scenario-wise.".

"Climatically and in other ways, the earth must move forward," Schwed assrted. "If planetary temperatures continue their present pernicious trend of not doing very much at all, Canada will be very cold during the winter and it will be really hot in India, which of course is nothing more and nothing less than a Doomsday Scenario."

Schwed was seconded by Brian Altman, who spoke on behalf of the group The Planet Is, Like, Our Mother And Stuff. "Climatic stasis will end all that we hold near and dear unless something is done about this nightmarish Doomsday Scenario and fast," Altman said. "We are organizing alternating global open-your-refrigerator days and boil-lots-of-water days to ensure that the earth's climatic graphs will again begin to show healthy and reassuring variability. Without such grass-roots action, the Earth faces a, erm... Doomsday Scenario."

In perhaps related news, the Doomsday Scenario Exchange showed markedly increased volume, with the "End Is Nigh" Index up 44.45 points. Gainers outnumbered losers 5 to 4, though The Population Bomb (TPB) and DDT/Pesticides (DDT) both showed losses of greater than 5%.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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