Written by ZiaUl-Hack

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Topics: Health, Canada

Tuesday, 27 April 2004

(OTTAWA)-- Almost twenty years to the day after the passage of the epochal Canada Health Act, Canada's Health Act Division has released a series of stunning new initiatives for the country's legendary publicly funded health care system. Entitled, "The Second Twenty Years-- Canada At The Vanguard", the new plan promises to provide Canadians with prompt and nearly unlimited access to the latest advances in medical science and technology.

"Long gone are the days when Canadian health care was a poor country cousin of US medicine, " said Division Administrator Lucien Hebert. "We here in Canada have stepped boldly into the 21st century, and our hospitals and doctors have followed suit. Several Canadian facilities are now fully equipped to administer roentgenograms, and it is a well-known fact that Toronto's cupping and leeching programs are among the best in the world."

Angus MacTavish, chief of Indispositions Caused By Humours and Vapours at Halifax General Hospital in Nova Scotia, seconded Hebert. "Canada is clearly at the forefront of medical science. Just last year, one of my colleagues discovered that certain types of night air are not poisonous, and my department is about to release the findings of a study which at least theoretically rules out 'demonic possession' as a cause of tetanus and diphtheria."

A confidential source at the Division claims that starting in 2006, three facilities in Canada may begin to administer a series of "injections" to specified patients. It is claimed that these "injections", (referred to by Canadian doctors as "vaccinations"), may in fact prevent certain types of diseases. Others at the Division claim that a class of new medications known as "sulfonamides", said to have astounding disease-curing potential, may soon be available to Canadians at least in the more heavily populated areas of Quebec and Ontario.

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