Suez Canal - (Rotters): Pesky dolphins, fed up with the constant attention-seeking barrage of Hollywood wannabes like Hayden Panettiere muscling in on their act, have been blamed for a series of attacks on underwater internet cables that have caused huge web outages in the Middle East.
The Pentagon was initially believed to be behind secret psychops training the aquatic mammals to disrupt high security telecommunications links to Holocaust-bashing potential nuke powers like Iran.
But they didn't reckon on the highly intelligent beasts' telepathic 'group mind' which clearly communicated outrage at stunts like Panettiere's during a ritual slaughter by the Japanese last year.
This morning's news that a third undersea internet cable was severed cut off the balmy waters of the Shitt-el-Arab in Dubai has sent shivers of trepidation in the Pentagon's psychops central command HQ.
For decades their official disinformation campaigns claimed there were no dolphins in the Arabian Gulf waters and that the telepathic 'group mind' theory was bunkum.
But the evidence is now stacking up against them.
"Seems like we've created monsters that have now destroyed the com links uniting us with our Globa Piss Process partners," the Pentagon's Lt Gen Albert Stubblebine III said today.
"All US Navy submarines are now on red alert. We can expect reprisals from the dolphins which have been spotted swarming around our naval bases, looking mean, ugly and up to something."
Hayden Panettiere is 20.