Written by Sirge
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Thursday, 31 January 2008

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The calculated shape of the Cosmos, as announced by scientists at the Symposium.

(Chipping Sodbury - AP) Scientists working at the University of Durham announced here that the long-awaited conclusion to the search for the key to the secret of the cosmos has been reached.

In a large multi-particle, highly distributed, many core simulation, into which were encoded a) Einstein's cosmological constant, b) the Hubble constant, c) the Strong coupling constant, d) the permeability of Angelina Jolie's knickers, and e) the age of Peter O'Toole, the Durham researchers have evolved the structure of the Universe from just after the Big Bang, through the condensation phase, then over millions of epochs to arrive at a multi-parameter fit to the likely shape of the Cosmos once it folds in upon itself at the end of time. It looks remarkably like a banana.

The implications are far reaching. "It is clear that God has a sense of humour." commented Professor Archibald Crustnut of MIT. "Either that, or the banana shape has a fundamental significance in the mathematics that underpin the unification of the four forces of nature. My feeling is that the former explanation is more likely."

Others at the Worldwide Symposium for Scientists Who Have Large Brains But No Social Skills were less convinced. "How do they know it looks like a banana? To a man with a hammer, everything looks like a nail. I don't know what they're smoking in Durham, but I wouldn't mind a kilo of it."

"Too many cooks spoil the broth", said another man and a passer-by offered, "A stitch in the fabric of time saves nine applications for tenure at a red brick university"

If you'd like to get involved, the symposium is underway all this week at the world-famous Chipping Sodbury Conference Centre in the rustic cotswolds of England's heartland: where the butter tastes like it used to, and the postman still rides a bicycle.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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