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Wednesday, 23 January 2008

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The Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) has just released astonishing information that could help check the steady rise of greenhouse gases that are causing anthropogenic global warming. CO2 emissions continue to be the most damaging greenhouse gas produced by mankind, but it appears that methane is a close second.

While it would, in theory at least, says the IPCC, be possible for people to totally stop the production of CO2 gases, bodily produced methane is another matter altogether. Apparently we produce it naturally and it leaves our bodies either by belching, or, more commonly as it turns out, by flatulence.

Dr. Vindonk of the IPCC Flatulence Research Center in Arizona has stated that each human being, whether man or woman, releases flatulence at a rate of about 10 to 15 explosive emissions per day. The average emission is 100 milliliters of dangerous greenhouse gases that are rapidly damaging our planet. "Multiply 100 milliliters by approximately 6.6 billion people," says Dr. Vindonk, "and you get the figures of 660,000,000,000 milliliters, which is 600 million liters of highly damaging greenhouse gases pouring into the atmospheres every single day!"

According to the IPCC, we can reduce this figure significantly through worldwide coordinated effort. It is known that certain foods can help reduce flatulence in most people, and by eating these foods we can help to save the planet. "Baked beans are good," states Dr. Vindonk. "They are healthy and they cause not the farting result quite so badly." He also suggests large amounts of cabbage, cauliflower, broccoli, and brussels sprouts.

Eating a healthy diet in this way should cut down the amount of flatulence em mission of the average individual from 10 to 15 emissions per day to just 3 or 4. "This will be having the most useful effects on ze vorld," says the elderly IPCC scientist. "I eat this foods every days now and I am farting not so much, and my wife is happy too!"

It is understood that the IPCC will be pressurizing world governments to supply schools in every single country with information leaflets to educate every child about eating for the planet. April 1st has been designated No Farting Day when groups in every country, with the rumored exception of Belgium, have agreed to coordinate a 24 hour no farting policy.

Al Gore, who has done much to make people aware of the worldwide global warming problem we are facing through his documentary, "An Inconvenient Truth," was unavailable for comment. It is understood that he was relaxing with friends by playing a game of hockey.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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