Mephistophels, Tennessee (IPP) - Scientists at the Institute for the Preservation of Bachelorhood (IPOB) are warning bachelors that the use of alcohol can increase the risk of getting married.
Men often lead great and exciting lives going about their business and remaining single. They are able to control their lives and their bank accounts. Getting married often results in death and divorce and much worse things like ending up with a spouse that puts on the pounds.
Once married men often suffer the effects of henpecking, jealous wives, checking account overdrafts, running up credit card debts, having to listen to snoring, the inability to meet hot babes, restrictions placed on their ability to participate in hunting, fishing, and other sports, and numerous other maladies.
Scientists working at the IPOB have discovered that drinking alcohol often results in men meeting their future wives in night clubs and dance halls, and parties. Men will often end up with a future wife after excessive drinking. The experiments conducted at the IPOB have proven beyond a reasonable doubt the alcohol usage leads men to chase women that they would not even have taken a second look at if they had remained sober.
IPOB scientists are now lobbying Congress to enact legislation requiring alcohol distilling plants and manufacturers to place warning labels on containers of beer, wine, and liquor. One scientists sadly speculated in private that the labels did not work for tobacco products and most likely will not have much of an effect on this issue either.